How it All Began

Her foot bounces up and down very quickly, she hits ‘refresh’ on her emails, nothing. What the hell is taking him so long to reply she thinks, refresh, nothing. Her heart is beating very quickly, her desk phone rings, ‘Hello Unistar Global, Geroga speaking’ she rolls her eyes, ugh it’s that idiot from accounts in the QLD office. She is always calling at the worst of times she thinks. Her email lights up, it’s him, a shot of adrenaline surges through her body like an electric shock. ‘Look, sorry Margaret, I have to go, I have about four other phone calls on hold’ she hangs up the phone immediately and opens the unread email, devouring every word she reads.

‘Haha yeah I knew you would have good taste in beer, you look like a girl who knows her beer. Maybe we should grab a beer sometime’ she smiled and re-read it over and over again. Is he serious she thought,  yeh let’s go grab a beer I’m sure your wife won’t mind at all, he was bluffing, trying to be flirtatious, that’s all it was a bit flirting here or there. She hit reply,

‘Yeh sure let’s just go out haha’ trying to be as sarcastic as possible over an email. This back forth flirting had been going on for about two weeks now, she didn’t really feel guilty about the whole thing it’s not as if she or he were cheating, it was some harmless flirting and nothing she hadn’t entertained before. Her email lit up again.

‘Sure we can, how about Friday after work at say the Star Hotel?’ She froze, in all the years she has playfully flirted and no one had ever actually pursued it, no one had ever taken it that one step further. What should she reply she thought, obviously this wasn’t harmless flirting anymore, going out for a drink meant she would have to lie to her boyfriend of seven years, it meant he would have to lie to his wife. She felt so unsure on what to do, her curious side wanted to say yes, she almost felt like she had to as she had been flirting with him for so long but she knew it wasn’t right, she knew she should say no. She got up to make a cup of tea and to think without the phone interrupting her thoughts. Her mind raced as did her heart, she weighed up the options over and over and got mad at herself every few seconds for even thinking of saying yes. What would one drink hurt, he is a colleague, nothing wrong with having a drink with a colleague but then if there was nothing wrong with it, no guilt associated with it then why did she have to lie? The truth was because it wasn’t harmless at all.

 

It got to Friday morning and she had decided not to go, however, she found herself making extra effort in getting ready and packing her deodorant and make up, something she never did. It was like her unconscious self had already decided she was going and was packing for her, her conscious and inner voice screamed no. As she kissed Jon goodbye she found herself speaking, not even meaning to, it was like the words just fell out. ‘Aw, I’m going out for drinks after work with a few people’. There it was, the first lie. She felt sick, the worst thing was he was totally fine about it. He never really stopped her from doing anything; actually sometimes she thought he didn’t really care what she did. On her drive to work the scenario of what was to come later played out in her head over and over again. She arrived at work and still wasn’t sure if she’d go or not. Adrian kept asking and trying to persuade her as she played hard to get, not that she was doing this on purpose. It got to 5:00pm and she could hear him coming down the stairs, she prepared herself, she knew it was him as he had certain stepping pattern. Deep breathe. He leaned over her desk, ‘so you coming?’ She paused and looked up at, ‘okay’. He smiled and walked out.

She jumped up, grabbed her bag and ran to the bathroom, she frantically adjusted her make up and fixed her hair.

 

She arrived at the bar, sweaty, heart racing and nervous as hell. She walked in and saw him immediately, jug on table and two glasses, she walked over to him ‘I assumed you wanted beer? That’s why we are here isn’t, to discuss our love if beer?’  He smiled at her cheekily. She was so nervous that when she went to speak, her voice shook. They spent about an hour talking about work, themselves, everything besides why they were actually there. It was all extremely awkward. They finished their drinks, ‘well I better get going, Bell will be wondering where I am’ he announced suddenly. The whole hour they had avoided speaking the names of their partners, she preferred it like this, it meant that she could forget about the reality of this situation. She instantly felt guilty and wanted to run away, this poor woman was waiting at home on a Friday night for her husband and he was there with her. They walked out of the pub in silence, she awkwardly pointed at her car ‘this is me, thanks for the beer’ she said edging to her car. ‘Wait’ he said quickly as he grabbed her hand. The electricity of his touch shot through her body, weeks of flirtatious conversations and she realized they had never touched before. ‘Why did you decide he come?’ He asked. Now he asks she thought after an hour of small talk, now in a shitty suburban pub car park he asks her. ‘Umm I’m not see really sure, I guess I was curious’ she admitted honestly. ‘So what would you do if I kissed you right now?’ She began to shake, ‘umm’ he leaned closer into her and stopped inches from her, lips almost touching. ‘Can I kiss you?’ She nodded ever so slightly.

Night Secrets

She looked him in the eyes and opened her mouth, finger pointed he placed one small pill on her tongue, nothing turned her on more. She closed her eyes and smiled, he smiled back. This foreplay was all they had, all they ever could have. The club was dark, crowded and dirty just the way she lliked it. ‘Three Coronas and a Heineken thanks’ she handed them out them, one for Jacob, one for her boyfriend Jack and the other to him. How she loved these nights, dancing, loosing control, forgetting everything and getting close to him without inhibitions. It was dangerous territory, maybe that’s what made it all the more enticing. Forbidden love.

No words were needed, he got up and she followed, down the narrow stair cases trying to avoid bumping into people until they reached the alley way where they sat on some milk crates, eyes as wide as dinner plates. The windows to the soul exposed and open, not to be shut until morning light. He gave her a cigarette and lit it for her.

‘Thanks, how’s things with you?’ She asked.

‘You know, same old shit. It just keeps getting worse, I’m so depressed, I don’t want to be here, I want to be with my kid not here in this shitty club but she won’t let me see him and really that’s all I want.’ She nodded in an understanding way but at the same time a dagger pierced her heart, he didn’t want to be here but this was the only place she wanted to be. They spoke about everything, they teased each other affectionately and spoke about their favorite band The Doors and their shared Jim Morrison obsession. Time doesn’t exist when your high, minutes roll into hours and you only realize how much time has past talking cod shit until someone comes looking for you.

‘Oi where have you two been all this time?’ Asked Jack jokingly but he wasn’t joking at all.

‘Just havin’ a ciggie mate’

The two followed Jack back up the spiral staircase to the top floor, the music getting more and more intense as they rose each level. Jack ordered more drinks to which they all downed a tab of acid. Getting high these days wasn’t for fun, it was just all they had, the only way to escape their shitty existence. Pills, speed, beer and acid can go either way and tonight they melded together in perfect synchronicity. They headed to the dance floor and danced, they danced as if the music took hold of them and their bodies had no choice but to move. They were hypnotized by the coloured lights on the ceiling which looked like giant Mentos lollies. She looked around and it seemed everyone was wearing glasses, this is something she often saw when she was high. She laughed, ‘Curiouser and curiouser!’ She yelled out… The boys all laughed ‘Whatchu on about Willis?’ one of them asked and she just laughed. They continued to dance whilst spilling their drinks on nicely dressed girls and making fun of everyone else. ‘Im going down stairs for some air’ she announced. ‘You guys coming?’ She knew that Jacob and Jack wouldn’t, Jack was in his own little world that he wouldn’t even notice she was gone, perfect.

Once again the two found themselves outside on crates chatting about everything and anything. They headed across the road to an ATM, the ATM was an enclosed ATM that you needed to press a button to enter, once inside she sat on the ground cross legged. ‘What are ya doing down there little one?’ He asked smiling at her.

‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure’ he replied although he looked a little worried as if he knew what was coming.

‘Do you ever think we would have been great together?’ Her voice was shaking.

‘Yeh, it’s crossed my mind but what does it matter?’

She felt an adrenaline race through her body and it wasn’t the drugs. He felt it too, she knew it.

‘I think we would be really good together’ she went on.

‘Why the fuck would say that?! Huh?! What’s the point of saying that?! You’re my brothers girlfriend! You live together, sure I’ve thought about it, that we would be great together, you are my best friend but you are also his girlfriend and blood is thicker than water… FUCK!’ The $200 he had withdrew went back into the machine because he hadn’t grabbed it in time.

She felt like someone had stabbed her in the heart, she wanted to vomit. She wanted to scream at him or hit him or kiss him or make love to him right there but she didn’t move, she didn’t make a sound. Tears rolled down her cheeks, she looked up at him and whispered to him ‘But you’re my Jim Morrison’.

He reached down to help her up, he grabbed her, hugged her tight and kissed her on the cheek.

‘Let’s go’ he said.

At that moment she knew that he loved her back but knew that it could never be and maybe that was enough.