Night Secrets

She looked him in the eyes and opened her mouth, finger pointed he placed one small pill on her tongue, nothing turned her on more. She closed her eyes and smiled, he smiled back. This foreplay was all they had, all they ever could have. The club was dark, crowded and dirty just the way she lliked it. ‘Three Coronas and a Heineken thanks’ she handed them out them, one for Jacob, one for her boyfriend Jack and the other to him. How she loved these nights, dancing, loosing control, forgetting everything and getting close to him without inhibitions. It was dangerous territory, maybe that’s what made it all the more enticing. Forbidden love.

No words were needed, he got up and she followed, down the narrow stair cases trying to avoid bumping into people until they reached the alley way where they sat on some milk crates, eyes as wide as dinner plates. The windows to the soul exposed and open, not to be shut until morning light. He gave her a cigarette and lit it for her.

‘Thanks, how’s things with you?’ She asked.

‘You know, same old shit. It just keeps getting worse, I’m so depressed, I don’t want to be here, I want to be with my kid not here in this shitty club but she won’t let me see him and really that’s all I want.’ She nodded in an understanding way but at the same time a dagger pierced her heart, he didn’t want to be here but this was the only place she wanted to be. They spoke about everything, they teased each other affectionately and spoke about their favorite band The Doors and their shared Jim Morrison obsession. Time doesn’t exist when your high, minutes roll into hours and you only realize how much time has past talking cod shit until someone comes looking for you.

‘Oi where have you two been all this time?’ Asked Jack jokingly but he wasn’t joking at all.

‘Just havin’ a ciggie mate’

The two followed Jack back up the spiral staircase to the top floor, the music getting more and more intense as they rose each level. Jack ordered more drinks to which they all downed a tab of acid. Getting high these days wasn’t for fun, it was just all they had, the only way to escape their shitty existence. Pills, speed, beer and acid can go either way and tonight they melded together in perfect synchronicity. They headed to the dance floor and danced, they danced as if the music took hold of them and their bodies had no choice but to move. They were hypnotized by the coloured lights on the ceiling which looked like giant Mentos lollies. She looked around and it seemed everyone was wearing glasses, this is something she often saw when she was high. She laughed, ‘Curiouser and curiouser!’ She yelled out… The boys all laughed ‘Whatchu on about Willis?’ one of them asked and she just laughed. They continued to dance whilst spilling their drinks on nicely dressed girls and making fun of everyone else. ‘Im going down stairs for some air’ she announced. ‘You guys coming?’ She knew that Jacob and Jack wouldn’t, Jack was in his own little world that he wouldn’t even notice she was gone, perfect.

Once again the two found themselves outside on crates chatting about everything and anything. They headed across the road to an ATM, the ATM was an enclosed ATM that you needed to press a button to enter, once inside she sat on the ground cross legged. ‘What are ya doing down there little one?’ He asked smiling at her.

‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure’ he replied although he looked a little worried as if he knew what was coming.

‘Do you ever think we would have been great together?’ Her voice was shaking.

‘Yeh, it’s crossed my mind but what does it matter?’

She felt an adrenaline race through her body and it wasn’t the drugs. He felt it too, she knew it.

‘I think we would be really good together’ she went on.

‘Why the fuck would say that?! Huh?! What’s the point of saying that?! You’re my brothers girlfriend! You live together, sure I’ve thought about it, that we would be great together, you are my best friend but you are also his girlfriend and blood is thicker than water… FUCK!’ The $200 he had withdrew went back into the machine because he hadn’t grabbed it in time.

She felt like someone had stabbed her in the heart, she wanted to vomit. She wanted to scream at him or hit him or kiss him or make love to him right there but she didn’t move, she didn’t make a sound. Tears rolled down her cheeks, she looked up at him and whispered to him ‘But you’re my Jim Morrison’.

He reached down to help her up, he grabbed her, hugged her tight and kissed her on the cheek.

‘Let’s go’ he said.

At that moment she knew that he loved her back but knew that it could never be and maybe that was enough.

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